So god-damned sick of this double life I have

I have a job as a night janitor and I work from 5 PM to 9 PM on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. I work for a company that deals with disabled people. I thought I could use their services to get a job that would allow me to believe that I’m making something of myself. I won’t say the company’s name because it’d be wrong. Even though I’ve been told that I’m doing this job for myself (as in gaining skills such as being on time), I happen to be someone who believes otherwise. This job does NOT serve the purpose I want it to serve. I feel like a fake nearly every time I go in. I know I can’t just simply “pretend” to like my job, and everything about it for that matter, but the fact is, the people who are my job coaches believe I’m “valuable”, but I don’t believe that.

To make matters worse, my boss is probably going to be overseas for the next 10 months, and the job coaches I have don’t give a rat’s ass what I think or believe. They don’t give a fuck if I’m not satisfied. They believe making money is more important than an individual being satisfied with their work.

I don’t want to burn bridges with the company, but I will if I have to because I’ve nearly found it necessary for me to do so. There’s absolutely NO room for promotion, nothing of the sort. I’ve had this job for about a year and 4 to 5 months, and I have absolutely NO fucking idea as to why I’m still at the same job, still doing the same mundane tasks, being with the same coworkers, which at least a few of them are idiots, and I work at the same mundane place! I feel like I’m a motherfucking asshole because I’m the motherfucking retarded loser who decided to take the job and I’m so fucking mad at myself I could explode. My mom’s in the same situation, more or less, and the fact that she’s suffering as much as I am doesn’t make it any better for me.

I feel fake when I’m around my coworkers, and worst of all, I’ve been beating the crap out of myself because I was pressured to find a job or otherwise lose the apartment I have. I don’t know what in God’s name I was thinking when I took the job, but if you ask me, I’d rather take corrective action against myself. I’d rather be a robot who does cleaning for a job instead of being a human who doesn’t give a crap about a job that he doesn’t like at all!!!

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Posted in Workrant.

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